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This entry is just a place to host a photo of my new desk for my office so that I can post it on pinterest and get ideas as to how to decorate the rest of the office. Pin Away!

Thigh Math

I never believed my high school math teacher when he told me I would use Algebra in real life as an adult. Then finally, a few months ago, I had a use for it. I asked my friend Adrienne what the mathematical equation was for the event in which:

I gain one inch in the circumference of my thighs and my pants decrease by two inches in length.

But, I stopped at just the inquiry and didn't attempt to answer it. (Sorry, Mr. Schmidt)

Then, last week, I was making blueberry muffins and I had another realization. There was an additional mathematical correlation regarding my thighs and my pantry. I dipped my teaspoon into an almost empty canister of baking powder and thought, "Didn't I just buy baking powder?"

And then it hit me!

The rate at which my supply of baking powder decreases is directly proportional to the rate at which the circumference of my thighs increases.

But, eh...I don't think I'll solve for x. One, because I don't know how, and two, because the answer won't be pretty. Hey, I always preferred geometry over algebra anyway.

Oh, but for the record,the reason I don't use high school algebra in daily life is because I wasn't paying attention. However, in case my nieces are reading, I must make the disclaimer that I use math I learned in college on a daily basis. In my job, I could not live without: is/of = x/100 "Is over of" makes me happy :)

I know why Aisle 18 Smells Like Vomit

A few weeks ago Nate and I had an evening grocery shopping trip to Vons. It was after dark and the wind had picked up and rain was sure to follow. But I really needed groceries so we had to do it.

It was an uneventful trip to begin with. We found the best peaches and talked about Waffles and "Wook". Then, on the very last aisle, next to the preshredded cheese and a store manager stocking hotdogs, Nate emitted a loud growl of a burp from deep within. I patted him on the back saying, "That was a big burp buddy. You're okay." But I knew that it wasn't just a burp.

I pushed the cart a few more steps and paused, excited by the sale price on a pound of cheddar. And then...it happened. The sound returned, but this time it just as visible as it was audible. I quickly cupped my hands and caught Nate's brown mucousy vomit. He wretched a few times and I just stood there, frozen. Some was on his wool coat, some was on the Cherry Garcia in our cart and the floor had a sprinkling of Nate gravy as well. But most of it...was jiggling in my cupped hands.

Fortunately, the man stocking the hotdogs had seen it all before and wasn't even phased. Even more fortunately, we were the only ones in the aisle. He said, "Okay, I'll be right back. Nice catch by the way." He quickly returned with a roll of paper towels and left to get a box boy. I started cleaning up and he returned again with a woman in her 40s. This made me feel worse. I wouldn't mind if a 17 year old kid held a plastic bag open for me while I tossed paper towels inside. But something felt wrong in this chain of command and her facial expression agreed with me.

At this same time, a mother with two teenage daughters (and I couldn't tell if the girls were humans or dancers) walked up the aisle. They stared and semi-whispered,"What happened?" I knew it looked like Nate had a diaper explosion of loose stools, so I explained that he threw up. The mom gave me an understanding smile and the girls silently reassured themselves that this would never happen to them.

I went straight to the checkout and explained to the cashier that there were a few items I would have to scan myself. Then, the grocery bagger appears, and alas, it is the same lady who had to hold the plastic bag open for me. I stand on my tip toes and reach over to scan a few slimy items while the cashier uses three pumps of sanitizer on his hands. He then hands me the receipt from as far away as possible and I walk out of the store, grateful that I wasn't at Wal-Mart.


And I later found out that Charles had given Nate a mint chip ice cream sandwich earlier. Hence, the color and texture of the episode.

Beware These Undies

If you are sophisticated like me, you buy your unmentionables at Target. Well, I saw the wedgie free commercials and thought I'd check out the Hanes section. I like boy style briefs because they contain my Rubenesque figure better than, oh say...eye patches. So I picked up a pack of these classily-wrapped-in-cardboard-panties.


I didn't realize that only some of their panties were wedgie free. The rest are, by omission, wedgie prone, I suppose. But seriously, a wedgie would be manageable compared to what does occur when you set sail wearing a pair of these.

Take a gander at the photo below. Look at the main seam...Do I even HAVE to tell you what type of animal's toe this will resemble when the wearer takes three steps? The only seam is along your vertical equator.

I think I'll email Hanes and suggest that they rename them Episiotemy Panties.

Super Eclairs for the Superbowl

The best cook book I have is a Good Housekeeping book from the 1960s. It has recipes for all sorts of items from scratch. I picked it up at a garage sale about 6 years ago for 50 cents. (Or fi-ee cent if you're Deb). Best cincuenta centavos I ever spent!

My favorite recipe is for eclairs. I make them for special occasions, mostly for friends' birthdays. The second time I ever made them, it was for Super Bowl Sunday and I thought I'd turn them into mini footballs by piping white icing on the tops to look like laces. They were a hit!

Below is an edited version of the recipe. Mainly because I used to make the vanilla custard and whipped cream from scratch. Now I use Jell-O pudding and light Cool Whip. I also have made a few other tweaks.

Mini Eclairs

1/2 cup butter
1 cup water
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 cup all-purpose flour, sifted
4 eggs

Frosting:
2 tablespoons butter
2 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped (or powdered equivalent)
1 cup confectioners' sugar
2 tablespoons water

Filling:
1 small package instant vanilla pudding mix (prepared per package directions
1 regular size tub whipped topping

DIRECTIONS

Prepare pudding with milk according to package directions. Chill in refrigerator.

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Line baking sheets with parchment paper, or grease sheets.

In a heavy saucepan, combine 1/2 cup butter, water and salt over medium-high heat. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to low. Pour in flour all at once and stir vigorously until fully incorporated and mixture forms a ball. Remove from heat, let rest 5 minutes. Then beat in eggs, one at a time, until well combined. (I do this part in my stand mixer). You know you are done when the dough has a satin-like sheen.

Add dough to large zip lock or pastry bag and cut slit at end about 1/2" wide. Pipe dough onto sheets in little strips about 2.5" long. (Keep them about 3/4" away from eachother).This may take a bit of practice. They will look similar to those marshmallow peeps at this point. After you have piped all the dough out, wet your finger and smooth down any pointy parts.

Bake in preheated oven 25-30 minutes, until golden. Remove from oven and let cool.

Prepare icing while eclairs are cooling. Heat 2 tablespoons butter with chocolate in a double boiler saucepan over medium heat, stirring until melted. If you don't have a double boiler, take a small sauce pan and fill with a few cups of water. Place a metal bowl on top and put ingredients inside) Sift in confectioners' sugar and 2 tablespoons water. Keep warm over low heat.

Fold cool whip in to chilled pudding

To assemble: with a pastry filler (or pastry bag/zip lock) fill the eclairs with pudding mixture as though they were jelly donuts. Then dip the tops in the warm chocolate. Chill in fridge until chocolate has set.

Next, mix about 1/4 cup powdered sugar witha few drops of water in a zip lock bag. Tweak until you get a consistency you like. Cut a tiny slit it the ziplock and pipe white icing laces on to top.

Refrigerate until ready to serve.

Serve.